I prayed for the day I could type these words…I am pregnant! After two years, one loss, many tears and prayers, God brought us to the other side and has blessed us with a child He is knitting in my womb. Earlier this year I had opened up about our fertility journey and miscarriage from 2019 and I really couldn’t have had a better community to encourage, lift and pray over us. I am so grateful to every one of you who have left kind, compassionate words, wrote us down in your prayers and shared your stories of grief, loss and miracles. I have connected with so many amazing women through this journey and I am continuing to pray for God’s hand over your family. It wasn’t an easy road, but so much of what we went through I know had purpose. Our pain is never wasted and God has reminded me of that time and time again. We learned more about ourselves, our faith and what we really believe in the past two years than we had our entire lives. It brought us closer to the Lord and one another. Even in the hardest of moments, God sent us a sign, a reminder or a word to comfort us and even though at times it felt so isolating, I knew I was never alone and He was working. I just wanted to start this post off by extending my love for those who are having difficulty trying to conceive or have experienced a miscarriage, pregnancy/child loss. All carry grief like no other and my heart is with you.
In a turn of events from where we thought 2020 was going, back in September (the same month I found out I was pregnant and miscarried last year), God surprised us with another child. I don’t think it was any coincidence God brought our rainbow baby to us the same month that held grief from the year prior. I don’t think you ever stop grieving that type of loss, but we took necessary steps to process and heal over the last year.
Shortly after the 1 year anniversary of our loss had passed, I was feeling tired one afternoon (my period wasn’t expected to come for a few more days), but I had this gut feeling, so I took a pregnancy test. To my disbelieving eyes, I saw a faint line. There was anxiety in the first weeks of pregnancy like no other — when you’ve been through a loss prior, you try to protect your heart. You don’t want to get too joyful, you check every time you wipe, your heart is gripped with bad flashbacks from the time before. I realized I didn’t want to carry fear into this and that I needed to trust God’s plan and this process. He breathed this life in my womb, He is knitting and forming their inner being and I am just grateful to even have the privilege to carry this life He has chosen us to care for. I have learned a lot about surrendering to His plan and to trust what He is doing, even if it doesn’t look like how I had imagined. Even when it’s dark and you don’t know what’s next. Letting what is, be what it is. I confided in a friend last Christmas that I was scared for what was up the road, not knowing what was in store for us and she gently reminded me that Jesus IS the road. Those words stuck with me and I wanted to enter 2020 focusing on Jesus and my husband. I really had to let go of the control, so much of the beginning of our journey began with me trying to control and feeling defeated. Finally I just put my hands up and let go so He could take over. This year has brought so much unknown, it has dug up so much hurt for so many, so much loss and heartache. Yet still, God was able to bring us a peace that surpassed our understanding. I know this year, more than ever — no matter how dark it has been, that He is working and has been at work all along.
God is good and He can bring beauty out of ashes. Trusting and surrendering to His plan has brought me so much peace. It’s something I never knew if I could fully do just because I have struggled and wrestled with anxiety my entire life. Having done a lot of therapy and healing before I turned 30 this year back in August I got a tattoo on my inner right arm stamped with “ISAIAH 41: 10” and it’s to remind me when I look down what He promises me: “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” I know He is with me and I can let my fears go into His capable and loving hands. I know that every part of this journey is going to take me surrendering — every part of my life will. This child at the end of the day is not just Neal and Stephanie’s baby, this child is God’s child first.
His word has given us hope, peace and strength. The journey and my faith has been shaky and weak at times, but never without hope. I am so thankful for Jesus and all that He has done, and in sharing this news today I want to glorify Him. I pray that our story brings even just one of you a glimmer of hope and I am praying He brings a miracle for you too.